I think that I have grown almost stiflingly self-conscious over the past few years. For a long time, maybe for most of my life, I don't think I made any critically bad decisions – at least until that period in my late 20s, the Saturn return, a strange second coming-of-age that was even more confusing for me than high school. I survived it, examined what went wrong with myself and others, what needed repair, and set to work; still, the aftermath of this time in my life has stayed with me.
I think I need to address how this affects the way I make art, or more specifically, the way I don't make art. How do I reclaim myself after a period of growth, and a disconnection from a former part of the self that was harmful?
I've begun writing songs again, after more than a year of Voice Memo notes and general creative resistance. A lot of these feelings are coming up now. I am writing to make peace with who I have been at all different points in my life, and to understand who I am now, each day. I don't always know. Identity is such a strange thing these days. I think that social media is a mental burden for many of us, and that it contributes to a lot of self-doubt, compartmentalization, comparison, and all-around anxiety. It feeds the ego, but also torments it, just like anything with addictive powers. I am trying to give it less of my time and energy, because more than anything else, it is a major distraction from life.
Feeling all of this deeply today, but don't worry. I am still a laugh riot most days.